That Crazy Place...

I swear to God.  I'm in such a crazy place right now.   Since August, I have had two back surgeries, two spinal injections, and here I am... sitting at my grandmother's house in such great pain.  Mentally, I am exhausted.  I am in such a strange place.  I understand why people who live in constant pain take a handful of pills and drift of to eternal sleep.  Please don't read that as something I would do.... I just understand their thought process.

I never ever wanted to me a mom.  I wanted to be a professional softball player... I wanted to play softball in the Olympics.  Kids weren't even in the picture.

When I had shoulder surgery my Junior year of High School, I worked my ass off to get back into shape and back in the game.  It payed off and I played some good ball with some great gals in Purcell.  I loved being a Dragon :)  Then we moved.

I ended up back in Bristow my senior year, but the damage was already done.  The girls I started playing softball with when I was five played on the team, so I thought I would join them.  Unfortunately, the Vice Principal told me that he wouldn't sign the hardship papers (needed so the OSSAA would allow me to be eligable due to my transfer) unless I also agreed to play Basketball.  I did not and do not love basketball.  However, I agreed and went out for Softball.  I didn't get much playing time.  I was angry and frustrated.  I was a SENIOR, why was I sitting the bench?!

Softball ended, Basketball started.  Turns out, I worked hard and a week before the first game, Coach Glover pulled me aside and told me that although I wouldn't be a starter, I would see significant playing time.  I was beyond excited.  Then, with two minutes left in the last practice before our first game, we were doing layup drills, and I rolled my right ankle.  I tore my achilles tendon.  I was out forever.

This is important, because at that moment, I went into such a deep dark place.  Lost were the dreams of an Olympic gold medal.  Gone were dreams of college.  Gone were dreams of becoming someone special.

I started dating J.  We both had enough emotional family baggage to fill the state of Texas.  Somehow we thought at 18, it would be a good idea to get married.  Looking back, we both knew it was a mistake.  But, I had nothing else going for me, so we did.

Still as a married woman, I still did not want kids.  No way, not for me.  I would be a terrible mother and that wasn't an option.

We seperated 11 months after we said, "I do."  

I went back into that dark place.  This time, I really felt damaged.  Who would want a divorcee at 20?
I decided that I would just figure out how to work hard, get a job, save some money, and travel.
That was okay... I didn't want kids.  I could fly by the seat of my pants.

Then I met Kevin.

Two weeks after I met him, I wanted to give him children.  I wanted to be his children's mother.  I wanted HIS babies.  I wanted my children to be his.

Five years later, I got my wish.  Blayne was born and 18 months later, Emileigh completed our family.

We have had so much happen in the 3.5 years since Blayne arrived, but they are all filled with laughter, love, and peace.  I love those three people that make my family mine.  I loved the chance to stay at home with Blayne and EmJ.  I loved being able to step over toys that were scattered throughout the house.  I loved it all.


For never wanting to be a mom, it's the greatest thing that has EVER happened to me.


Then I hurt my back (or whatever the hell happened) and I find myself back into that dark place.  What happens if I never get better?!!  I have had two surgeries... I am almost worse now than I was before surgery #1.  I know I am not better.

What if my children will never remember mom walking normally?  Kids are jerks and I don't want them to tease Blayne and Emileigh because their mom is broken.  I want to take them to Disney World.  I want to be able to walk with them and enjoy every moment.  I don't want to ride a stupid motorized cart!!!

I want to teach Emileigh how to play softball...  I want to play with her.  I can't tell you how much this means to me.

What if I can't?  What if I won't be able to be the mom my kids deserve?
Why would God allow me to be a mom, if I can't be a good one?

I'm in a bad place today.  I need to climb out, I will.  I always have.  I'm just sick of climbing.

I'm thankful for my husband, Kevin.  I'm thankful for Blayne Wesley and Emileigh Joann.
I'm thankful for my grandparents, Joann and Wesley Shelton.

Without those people..... I might have just swallowed those pills.  Because of them, I never will.