Keepin it Real

I have a lot of people who read my blog, I'm lucky with that.  I find this avenue such a great way to vent, explain my thoughts, share my dreams, brag about my wonderful family, and speak exactly the thoughts that are on my mind.  Most of the things I put on this blog is for my children.  my children  You know, those two little TaylorTots I am so very lucky to share with Kevin.  This is the way I choose to journal with them, for them to read about our lives when they don't remember.  There isn't anyway possible for us to remember everything, so, this is what we have.  Our lives, my perspective.

It's sad that I have to write this, it's sad to me, anyway.

I want the world to understand that hurting anyone isn't, nor will ever be, my intention.  There are a lot of things that happen in our lives that are not written about.  The reason?  I'm so terribly afraid to hurt anyone's feelings.  I desperately try to please everyone I know. Shocking? Maybe.  Especially if you have ever worked with me.  ")  Life and work life are two completely separate lives to me... at work, I could care less if feelings were hurt.  It wasn't intentional, unless it was warranted.  I expected the people with whom I worked with, for, and who I was responsible for, to work hard and if I felt that anyone wasn't pulling their share (supervisors included) I always made it known.  The problem?  I lead with emotion and leave the logic at the door. I will tell you, though... having two little ones teach you to use logic very quickly.   However, unfortunately, this isn't about a coworker, it's my family.  And let's face it, family and friends are different.

I'm not sure what this is about... I think I've just kept it in for days and really, beside Kevin, I haven't put my feelings into any sort of comprehensible language.  This isn't going to make much sense either, however, it feels good to write. 

Last week, I was told that I have hurt my dad's feelings with this blog.  It wasn't my dad who told me, so that makes me feel a little bit better about the situation, but it still made me question the validity of what I am doing here.  Is it worth it?  

I have spend hours looking back over past blogs, past facebook updates, past everything.  I've looked at things through the eyes of others, though what I think my kids will see later on.  Honestly, the things I have written are all 100% honest and true.  There aren't any fabrications and I stand by everything I have written.  That being said, some of the stories in my life (like every other human in this world) aren't glamorous.  Some of them are really hard.  Guess what, those are the stories I really want to document, but haven't. Why?  because i dont want to hurt anyone.

I guess, at the end of writing this, and explaining what I believe can be explained... I'm good.  I'm good with the blog, I hope to continue writing, even the bad stuff.  This is MY BLOG, my place to document my perspective, and my place to be creative.  Unfortunately, if you read this and are offended, (which may happen) please email me or call me, immediately.  Do not wait days... do not make it about YOU, do not talk over me, and do NOT tell me that I am selfish.  Because, I am NOT.  I have two sweet little people who will tell you in 20 very short years, that their mother loves them with more than she has, and that YOU are the one who missed out.

To everyone else... Please, continue to text, twitter, facebook, and COMMENT.  It makes a girls confidence in this journey much stronger.  

Love to you ALL. (even you who find me via pinterest... just keepin it real)

Walking away.

worst blogger ever- checking in  :)


Last week, I received a message that one of my previous drivers was in an accident and died.  He was young, crazy, loud, full of life, and I immediately missed him.  He and his wife both had their CDL and drove as a team. Whenever we needed anything to be delivered the next day, we would call the Cross'.   It was such a sad day to hear of this tragedy.

I am the person who wears my emotions on my sleeve.  What you see, is what you get.  I fight hard when I need to fight.  I play hard when I need to play.  Unfortunately, when I am tired, or confused, or sad, or scared, or embarrassed -  I walk away.

I walked away after high school.  I knew I wouldn't be attending college like all of my friends would be, so I just cut off communication.  I would stay in Slick and not call anyone.  I found someone who I thought made me happy, and spent 100% of my time with him.  We were so young, and both looking for something the other would never be able to provide.  So... we got married.

My two closest childhood friends were in my wedding.  I went almost 10 years from that day without talking to her.  I just walked away.

I knew I didn't want to get married, but I didn't know how to say so.

When we ended our relationship- I moved to Tahlequah.  I moved to my parents house, looking for something they should have given me from day one, but never would.  Unconditional love. My mother convinced me to take out student loans, apply to NSU, and live in the dorms.  Sounded great to me :)  A fresh new start, right?

I started college as a 20 year old freshman who had been married, divorced, worked, and experienced bills.  I could not connect with the other students I was grouped with.  My parents were friends with the housing coordinator, and thought they were doing me a favor by giving me a single room with no roommate.  Looking back- that only added to the feelings of solitude.
I fought- but in the end... I quit.  I left.  I ran away.  I didn't even take the time to withdraw from my classes.
I walked away.

Fast forward to my life now.  I haven't walked from some tough things.  There are times I should have walked, but didn't :)

That was, until October 2010.  I walked away from LinkAmerica.

I had worked at Link for 7 years.  I loved my job, I loved the people with whom I worked for, both drivers and management.  I loved my customers, both drivers and companies.  I worked very hard and worked my way up to a management position, which was very difficult without a bachelors degree and being a woman.  LinkAmerica was my family.
One day, I was asked to complete an assignment.  I was asked to compile the financials for the previous day. A 24 hour P&L snapshot so to speak.  I felt I could do it, I attempted it.  It was wrong.  I emailed the wrong statement to the entire management and looked like a fool.   I received an email from the VP, at the time feeling like a virtual slap.  I hit my wall.   I walked.

I haven't been back to LinkAmerica since the day I walked out of the doors.
I miss my family.
I miss my job.
I miss my best friend who I haven't even texted back.

I went 14 months before even adding anyone from there to my Facebook account.  I just walked away, buried it in my mind and went on with life.

Then Randy died.

I saw some of the people who I walked away from, they smiled.  When the service was over, they came up to me and asked how I was doing.  They asked questions and were interested in the answers.


I am struggling today. I am struggling with the fact that I walked away.  That I seem to walk.
I like to believe that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, that I am an open book.  I am not.  There is a lot inside that needs to come out.

What a heavy post to start back with.... maybe it's what needs to happen?

M-O-V-I-N-G

It is not a surprise to anyone that I hate living in the sticks of muskogee county.  Actually, I guess it could be worse, I could have zero internet access or satellite.  That would be so bad.


When we moved to this house, we were desperate.  In about a weekend, we came to the conclusion that I would quit work, we would move, and this needed to happen in days, if not minutes.  Our rent and expenses from Kevin driving back and forth from Tulsa to Muskogee for work were astronomical to say the least.  The only way we could afford to let me stay at home (in theory) was to move back to the 'Gee. 

Kevin and I spent a day combing through the newspaper and calling local relators.  We were not (and still are not) ready to purchase due to going from two incomes to one.  We were lucky enough to find a realator who also managed some properties in Muskogee.  That is how we landed here. 

At first glance, I was excited.  I have the granite countertops, I have the stainless steel appliances, I have crown molding, blah blah blah.   I also live 35 minutes from Wal-Mart, 25 Minutes from a grocery store, 15 minutes from a convenience store.  I fight ants and spiders on an hourly basis. I am not even going to begin to speak about the dogs next door, the ones who killed our dog and would do the same to my children.  The ceramic floor tiles in my kitchen are cracking and breaking under our feet.  What do you expect from a house that is 100 years old?  Our roof is a metal one, which might be amazing if, again you arent living in an 800 square foot, 100 year old house.  Being as it is, when it rains, no one sleeps.  I compare it to sleeping under a tarp. Clearly,I read this book by the cover.

Lucky for me, WE ARE MOVING!!! 

We are moving into town, into a neighborhood where other normal people live.  People who have children, not mean pit bull dogs.  I am super excited about this move.  We will gain about 800 square feet plus a two car garage.  We will also gain a fenced in back yard (privacy fence) and a back door for the kids to leave open and come in and out all day.  The only drawback I have at the moment is the fact that there are two bedrooms upstairs with the master down.  This means that my kids will be upstairs.  That will take a little bit of logistical thought, but I am up for it.  I need to purchase baby moniters, and was thinking about whether ot not I would prefer a video monitor.  Do any of my readers have any suggestions?

FUNNY

** If you are easily offended... do not read this post.  You arent missing much **

So it is 10:50 pm, I am laying on my bed patiently waiting for the Big Brother 12 live feeds to come on. STUPID WEST COASTERS (love ya megs)...

Kevin is playing poker, SURPRISE!!, and is normally very quiet during the process.  I only hear little clicks of the mouse and keystrokes from time to time. 

Then out of the blue, Kevin proclaims, "somebody just told me to 'eat a dick and die'". 


I haven't been able to stop lauging yet.

People get really pissed about their .02 cent poker games online. 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

okay, back to big brother. 

Ten on Tuesday

10 Ways to Enjoy the Summer

1.  Laying on the couch under a light blanket watching a movie because the air conditioner is down low.
2.  Home Grown, Vine Ripe Tomato - Picked from the vine, into the mouth before even walking in the house.
3.  12 hours of daylight, meaning less depression!
4.  Summer television shows. AKA- big brother!
5.  Fireworks, before children.  Fireworks with a 9 month old and 2 year old is a whole new experience.
6.  freshly cut grass, it smells and looks so wonderful.
7.  Shorts, flip flops, t-shirts.
8.  Swimming pools, waterparks, water!
9.  Flexible schedules, less rushing, more relaxing.
10. Watching my kids play in the sand box, play outside, and explore. 

Do you remember your dreams?

As I stated in a previous post, I have been struggling with blog posting lately.  Sure, I have two very sweet, special children who give me more than enough to re-tell... but I am also wanting a break. 

Anyway, I went to google and did a search.  I came upon this site.  THANK YOU

# 31. caught my attention first. "Do you remember my dreams?"


I have always been a very vivid dreamer.  I can remember when I was a little girl, I would lay in bed at night, reciting the following:

Now I lay me down to sleep,

I pray the Lord my soul to keep,

If I shall die before I wake,

I pray the lord my soul to take.

And please let me have good dreams

even in the morning.

The first part is something that is said millions of times a night, in millions of houses around the world.  It is the second part that I made sure to add.  I am very serious about this.  every night.

 

When I stayed with my grandparent's, grandma would always say "sweet dreams" before I went to sleep.  She does it to this day, I have always cherished it.  When I was younger I thought that the phrase was magical and would keep the bad dreams away.  I loved to hear her say it.  You know, my grandmother has very special powers :) 

 

The dreams... oh, the dreams.  When the dreams were good, they were good.   When they were bad... well, let's just say I can still remember them.  The bad ones, they kept coming... over and over and over.

One of the worst ones that I can remember involved a midget.  He lived under my grandmother's table in her kitchen.  He wore green and a brown top hat.  He had facial hair and an ear ring.  *side not: we do not knock when we go to grandma's we just walk in... that is normal*  In my dream, I am walking into my grandmothers house from the back door, turn the corner to go into the kitchen and the guy jumps out from under the table.  He almost grabs me everytime.  I still to this day wake up with a scream.  

Dreams for me aren't always scary.  Sometimes they are purely freaky.  Especially when the below happens:

When living in New Mexico, I would have the same dream over and over.  I would hear bells and see yellow... it would be so strange.  It would occur at the end of a completely different dream, sort of like ending credits.  It didn't frighten me, so I just went with it. 

The first day of school in Roosevelt, Utah I had a 5th period gym glass.  We played basketball and right before the bell rang I had a chill.  The school mascot was a cougar and across the west wall a huge yellow cat was painted.  One of the guys that was playing wore bells on his shoe laces.  Just like the dream.  exactly like the dream

 

When I moved to Purcell, it was in the spring and because I didn't run track or play slowpitch softball, I enrolled in off-season.  Myself and two girls would go to the gym afterschool to work out.  It wasn't until a couple of weeks later, I was taken into the girls locker room.  Again, I got the chills.  There in the middle of the room was a couch that I had dreamed of since we lived in Utah.  I am very serious.

This happens to me all of the time.  At first, it completely freaked me out.  Now I just look at it like it is a way for me to know I am chosing the correct path.

Lastly, I am very vocal when I sleep.  There were many nights during my senior year that my grandmother spent in my bedroom when I got home.  I always wondered how she knew every.single.thing. i did.  

As I have gotten older, the bad dreams have mostly disappeared.  Now I have daydream fears about my kids! ha.

Sadly though- I think I gave my dream issues to Blayne... he seems to do what I did.  I hope I don't have to teach him my addition to the prayer.

Until next time...

Life

I was on Facebook today, (Surprise!) and stumbled upon the following article: U.S Only Industrialized Nation With No Paid Leave For New Parents

First of all, I am very frustrated with the way facebook has become the place where it is acceptable to regurgitate information you believe to be true and then attempt to force everyone on your friends list. Thus, leaving the rest to endure the comments that most always turn into a stupid virtual argument. stupid.

 That being said, it was very hard for me when I read the article.  I went ahead and linked it to my facebook profile but choose to use my blog as the avenue to leave my opinion. Plus, my blog has SUCKED lately.... I need something with some subtance. 

So, the United States is the only industrialized nation with NO paid leave for new parents, hua?  I can speak from experience, this is true.  When pregnant with Blayne, I resigned from LinkAmerica about 2 months before he was born, and went to work at St. Francis as a Unit Secretary in the cardiac intensive care unit.  (I so wish I would have stayed there.... ) Blayne was born and we started talking about moving back to Muskogee to ake it easier on Kevin.  About a month into being a "stay at home mom" I was literally pulling my hair out.  I was online one day and saw an ad for Arnold Trucking, and submitted my resume.  Long story, but I was offered a position back at Link and accepted.  


When Emileigh was born, I didn't expect to quit work.  I LOVED my job.  I was on bedrest for 6 weeks prior to her entry, and a lot of changes happened during that time.  Although FMLA states I could have kept my job, and have the same position or one equal- that did not happen.  I didn't fight it, shame on me.

During the six weeks I was off (6 of the 12 allowed through FMLA) I was not paid my salary.  To be quite honest, it was hard. Financially speaking, we were still living the same but had substancially less money.  I went back to work when Emileigh was 4 weeks old.  I would have went back at three weeks, but it didn't work out that way.  I went to work purely for the money.  We had bills that needed to be paid. 


I set up a daycare system with Family and thought that we could keep the kids out of daycare.  We moved back to Muskogee because the cost of living seems cheaper (it isn't) and made some big changes.  I worked for a couple of weeks, then decided the best thing to do was to just stay at home with the kids. 


honestly speaking- if I would have continued to receive my salary during my maternity leave, i would still be working today.  I believe this is the case for MANY women.

BL

Why do I watch the finale of the Biggest Loser and think... i could totally win this... and then continue drinking the dr. pepper in my glass and the ice cream in my bowl?

seriously.

Trust?

Look at this guy. If you met him on the street, at a party, in church, at your child's school... would you trust him?

I can tell you without a doubt, I would. I tend to be very trusting of people.  I would take one look at this clean shaven, well dressed, well groomed man and think he was a good guy.  You know, one of those guys who spends his weeks working with the kids at the school where he is a principal and weekends mowing his grass and grilling chicken with a beer.  Only one beer though, he has a reputation to uphold.  Sunday would be spent in church working with the youth group, maybe even children's church.  He would hold open the doors for ladies, always compliment them, and listen intently to the stories told and retold by the older ladies of the church.

Yes, I can paint a picture of this man's life with one picture. Even if it is his booking picture. (bet the defense would kill to have me on their jury)

This man is nothing that I wrote above.  Well, not the good stuff.  He is well groomed, clean shaven, and well dressed.  He is also an administrator at a Tulsa elementary school.  That is probably where the good ends.  This man, Robert Yerton, is accused of molesting young men during the past 10 years while holding a role of "safe person".

This blog isn't about whether or not this man is guilty.  Quite frankly, that will be up to a group of his peers.  I pray that this is all a misunderstanding and he isn't guilty of anything charged.

This blog is about the fact that the rose colored glasses I have worn for so long are fading fast.  It scares me to death that I can't protect my child from these predators.  It scares me to death that I trust these folks... but wait!  Aren't you supposed to trust teachers???

I know I can't keep my children with me 24/7 (I do now), so how do I prepare them (and myself) for the big bad world?  Homeschooling is something that keeps popping up in my head... but really?  I would hate myself for allowing my children to miss out on the highs and lows of public school.  Seriously, the friendships, lessons, and well... memories.

How do we keep our children in a bubble?!

part 2

Part 2:

I upgraded. 
It has a Video Camera.

Thought my last post needed a bit of spice.

This was taken :30 seconds before a bath.  2.5 minutes after the last Oreo cookie was eaten. 

I love you, too!

When Blayne was about six weeks old, Kevin came out of the bedroom holding him tightly and said, " I can't wait until he can say 'I love you, too"  I can remember that moment like it was yesterday, etched so deeply in my mind, because for one of the few times in our lives, I knew exactly what he meant.

Growing up, I heard the "i love you's" but never fully understood the impact of hearing it until my son began to say it.  It is much sweeter than I could have ever imagined, you see, Blayne has his very own, special way of saying he loves you.

I ba-lleeeww

It really sounds like, I blew.. but more of a  ba-lew.

It truly is the best sound in the entire universe.  I will hate it when he decides he is much too grown up to speak two year old.

Scrapbooking??

I started my first scrapbook in 1997.  I can remember sitting in my bedroom at grandma's with my pinking shears, glue, and colored pencils.  I grabbed my grandmother's cookie cutters (for templates)  and bought some markers, even went for some glitter as the months progressed.  I cut out everything from newspaper articles to sporting event programs.  I kept ticket stubs, notes from friends (which is a long lost art I believe now that texting and cells phones have entered the picture) even napkins from restaurants.  Everything inside this scrapbook has special meaning to me for one reason or another. 

This scrapbook lives in my hope chest that hosts our 900 pound television along with other "meaningful" items.  You know- everything that means so much to me...but only gets looked at once every two years or so. 

My next scrapbook was for my dear friend, Brandy Gaskins- Hallman.  She was getting ready to marry Ben, and I wanted something very special for her wedding gift.  So I spent hours, days, weeks, months on this project.  It was before you could walk into a store and buy supplies.  This scrapbook was made with construction paper and a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.  I spent a lot of time obtaining pictures from both the Hallman and Gaskins families.  I would copy the pictues then return the originals. 

Finally the book was complete.  I presented it to them at their rehersal dinner and it was a big hit!  I was very proud of all the work I put in.  This little scrapbooking project turned Brandy and her sister-in-law (my cousin) Ashley onto the craft and they havent looked back.  They do amazing work.

A couple of years after presenting that book to Brandy, I was at her house and found the original book was dismantled.  I was so hurt. All of that hard work, gone.  It took a long time to get over that... but I did. 

During the next eight years, I spent an obscene amount of money that, frankly we did not have to spend on scrapbooking gadgets, stickers, paper, pens, embellishments, etc.  My subject matter wasnt extensive.  It included our dogs, old pictures, etc.  Imagine my excitement when Jaci was born- I finally had someone to scrapbook about! 

Fast forward to 2008 and the birth of my son.  Finally, I could put my skills to work.  Funny thing though, I have made about six pages in two years.  I always used the excuse of time.  "i just don't have time, i work 65 hours a week"   Now, I reliaze my opinion of the craft is just... changing.

Remember that first scrapbook?  The one in the bottom of the hope chest?  I am the only one who cares anything about that.  When I am gone, it will be pitched.  There aren't any journaling or descriptions.. nothing.

Secondly- just like the scrapbook gift to Brandy.  Styles and trends will change.  I can imagine giving my books to my kids in 20 years and them looking at them like... "mom, what the heck?  This is sooo- 20 years ago.  I am embarressed to show anyone these!!" 

Lastly, I have thought about a fire.  What are the most important things to me?  Apart from my family which is a no brainer, my most prized posessions is my external hard drive.  Such an easy thing to grab and run with.  I would not be able to grab those books, right? 

Anyway.  I know I will have the tug of scrapbooking in the future... and I plan to do some, digitally for the most part.  But more than that, I plan to just be a better blogger.  Use this as my new avenue to post pictures and the stories that go with.  That way, I can print the posts and compile them in a book someday...  That might be a better option. 

So- now...what to do with the thousands of dollars of supplies I have on my shelves...gathering dust?

Yeah!! I am ALIVE.

wow- it has been so long since I have been online, I almost forgot how to make a banner, or even remember my blogger password.

So much has happened, yet, so litle has happened at the same time.

We made it to muskogee, we are about 10 miles south toward Warner.  We are in the country, Kevin is stoked... all I can think about is the fact that snakes live in the country.  I brought a cat home from my grandparent's... maybe she will help keep them away. 

Staying home with the bambinos took some getting used to.  At first, I had no routine at all and they just about wore me down.  I had spent the last two years working about 65 hours a week at the office, and sadly, I didn't even know my son.  We have since remedied that issue.  It took a month or so to learn how to translate baby talk, but we got it down. 

We spend a lot of time watching the same movies over and over and over.... but we play a lot too. Blayne is learning his ABC's right now.  Its so much fun to watch him learn.  We know our colors, we can count to 6 then 10.  Somehow we forget about 7... lol 

Blayne and Emileigh have finally decided that it is fun to play with each other.  Well, Blayne has decided.  Em has always wanted to watch her big brother. He facinates her.  She will laugh out loud at him at such random times.  I love it.

Today is our anniversary.  Starting that 7 year itch.  wish us luck!

I have so much to talk about, I just don't have the time... I promise to update more!

moving

I hate moving. I hate moving almost as much as I hate funerals. It ranks right up there at the top of my do not do list.

I hate packing, I hate loading, I hate unloading and I hate that I can't find a single thing.

I LOVE unpacking though. Stick me in a house full of loaded up boxes and I will be in heaven. All I need is a weekend of un interrupted time and space. I can be an orginzation queen.

Problem is, I have none of it. No time, no space, and interruptions every 2.5 minutes.

My alarm went off this morning at 05:00. I groaned, I slept so well last night. The search began. Box of towls- check. Undergarmets- Check... shoes. Searching. .. ... Ahhh.

I did make it out of the house at 06:01. I pulled into the parking lot at 21st and Memorial at 7:02. score.

i hate moving.

I love that my baby boy got to play outside as much as he wanted to yesterday.
I love that my children will have their own space.
I love that my family is about 15 minutes away

I love that tomorrow- we are gonna carve pumpkins and drink hot chocolate on my front porch.

I love that my children don't understand how hard I work for them, they just care how hard I play with them.

Boomer Sooner

I made it through the first week back to work. It was a weird week, but it ended well. This Saturday morning, I enjoyed sleeping in until 7:45. I am now sitting behind a computer that I have avoided all week with a cup of yummy coffee.

I love autumn! The crisp air, the changing foliage, football, and warm drinks. Blayne is in his room watching Barney and drinking his milk. I LOVE this age.

Today is the Red River shootout, aka OU/texas (hence the crimson font). It begins in a little over two hours. I am making a big pot of chili and beer bread to enjoy during the game and after. We are moving in 7 days and I have yet to pack one single item. I suppose that will be what I do today as well.

I love Saturdays....

life

if you know me, you know that i am the worst decision maker alive. i change my mind at least 10 times before i settle on any decision, no matter how big or small.

i have this fear of making the wrong decision. its a little weird though, this only applies to my personal life decisions. i can be at work throwing decisions down on a dime... sigh.

the biggest decision of my life just happened:

stay at home with my beautiful babies or go back to work?

i have flip-flopped a million times. there are some situations at work that made the decision very easy two weeks ago. so easy, i convinced my sweet husband to move back to muskogee immediately and pick up 100 hours of overtime to compensate for my lack of salary. talk about a monkey wrench when i went to talk to the EVP on thursday and i came home with wanting to go back to work.

i work for a transportation company, you know, the big trucks that either you hate because they run you of the road or you love because you get behind them on the interstate and can afford to drive a little faster?

i work with those men and women who are behind the wheel. delivering the freight to our customers who expect it on time no exceptions. hurricane katrina? that was just a rainstorm... talk about a headache.

anyway- i digress.

those people behind the wheel. they have families at home. those people behind the wheel have children at home. children whom they sometimes do not see for weeks at a time, and when they do get home.. it could be for hours. hours that is spent buying food to replenish their pantry and doing 2 weeks worth of laundry. they should be out side playing catch with their children, watching barney... anything. instead, they are getting ready for the next run. because our customers expect that of us.

my customers expect that of me. you see, i have two sets of customers. those that pay me to pick up and deliver their freight to their customers, and those who actually do the work (drivers). my job directly affects so many people... i rock at it, and i don't want to leave!

then i have the two most beautiful babies in the WORLD. babies, i never thought i would have. doctors told me multiple times that i would never carry a baby. adoption was my only answer. those doctors suck. thank goodness.

so i had a decision. back to work, my career that i have worked my heiney off for, or stay at home with my precious babies.

for the last three days i have changed my mind so many times. written lists of pros and cons... cried in restaurants, cried while driving, cried when i held them.... dreamed about the decision i was about to make.

yesterday, i was made an offer. a really good offer. one that is going to make bigger changes to our lives...

it came down to one thing:

my babies are not going to daycare...no chance.

i cried some more, re-introduced myself to God, asked everyone i talked to what the answer was, changed my mind 5 more times... and finally it all fell into place.

we will be living in muskogee. the reason, family. to keep my kiddos out of daycare, i needed someone on the following schedule:

Monday- 5:30 Am to Noonish
Wednesday- 5:30 am to 6:pm ish
Thursday- 5:30 Am to Noonish

because i have the best family and the best friend in the entire world, i have all three covered. and the best part, no daycare. no worrying about pink eye, or stitches, or some idiot feeding my child cheese.

thank you.

thank you Rita, Amanda, Butch, and Leigh. you have allowed me to continue working, for now, and will give my sweet babies what they need. i love each of you, more today than ever. :)


sooo- that's what i have been doing.

back to the office monday morning. 7am. i can't wait.

Okie from Muskoge

So... Today is Monday... I thought that I would be going back to work today. Last week, my mind was changed for me. There are things I can't reveil yet, but dont worry... Things are good, better than good.

Last Friday, Kevin and I spent the day combing the streets of Muskogee for a house. We will be leasing in order to get our feet under us with one income (Guess that is one secret out of the bag hua?). We started with the Muskogee paper and got absolutely nowhere fast. Second, we used word of mouth. There are some great townhouses available.. if you want to spend a lot of cash on about 600 square feet... sheesh.

I was getting very disappointed after the 6th house we looked at. Then I had the brilliant idea of calling a couple of realators. CHA-Ching.

We found a BEAUTIFUL house on six acres in the COUNTRY south of Muskogee. Beautiful I am so excited. I'll post pictures as soon as we take posession around the 22nd. It feels so good, like a dream. This move will allow me to stay at home with my wonderful children, spend a TON of time with my family, and give the opportunity to have my sisters and brother drop by at a moment's notice.

I am STOKED!

The downside: My husband is trying to kill himself right now working overtime to fund this move. In the next two weeks, Kevin will be putting in around 100 hours of OVERTIME. Yes, that is 180 hours total. It's a good thing he gets to sleep at work... I love him for taking one for the team.

A moment in time

A moment from Blayne:

What do you mean I have a little sister? MOM!!?

Oh, well. She looks innocent enough...

Hey, look- I have a duck.

Maybe I'll even share with you!

Yeah right! This duck is MINE.

But I'll tell ya what... I think you are pretty cute...

So you can stick around. Muah.

Whew... a long one. Updated.

So much going on... and I haven't blogged. Sorry!!

Let's pick up where I left. We went to the doctor two weeks ago (almost) and were given the news baby Emileigh has too much water floating around with her. I came this close to having a full out panic attack (thanks to google) but after a couple of days, decided what will be will be. I chilled.

That was Thursday, on Friday Dr Parks called and said that EmJ's bladder and kidneys looked good and stay off of google. She reminded me that she would be on Vaca the next week and if I were to go into labor it would be okay with her. Plth.

Saturday my girlfriend Leigh came up and we had pedicures. AWESOME- and then watched the OU BYU game. Ewww. Funny thing: I was petrified that my water would break while getting my toes done, so I refused to go to Walmart. Leigh and I went to this little place right by the house (right off of Riverside next to Camilles) and settled in to pampering bliss. I was doing just fine until the massage chair started thumping my lower back. I am sure that we were the topic of some funny conversations while we tried to figure out how to turn that thing OFF.
It was trying to beat the kid out of me... sheesh. Oh well, way worth it and my toes are painted to boot.

Sunday came, Kevin went to work and Grandma came to stay. She, for the last six weeks, has been coming on Wednesday's and Sunday's to stay with Blayne and me while Kevo went to work. Such a nice blessing. She does laundry and cooks and does all that stuff... LOVE IT, WILL MISS IT.

Monday was Labor day, we hung out and did absolutely nothing.... I became a little nervous knowing that my Doctor was officially off for the week.

Thursday came and with it brought my stupid birthday. I was really looking forward to getting to see the doctor and getting the non-stress test done that was ordered the week before. I woke up bright and early 7am and called the hospital. I was shut down before I could get half of my request out. NO ROOM AT THE INN! At 1130, I called back (as requested by the super hateful inn keeper from earlier) and was told NO. Ms. Nice (or heiney) was kind enough to tell me "they can do that procedure in the doctor's office!"
I hung up, and cried. My hormones are way out of wack and I really just want some assurance this little girl is okay.

I had to wait until 2pm to see the doctor and time went sllllooooooooooow. I got to the office and after the long walk was contracting. I sat down in front of "new nurse" and she proceeded to ask me if I wanted a Flu shot... Ugh- NO. I want nothing but to know my baby is okay. She then asked me if I wanted to be Checked. I am sure I looked at her like she was Shrek because her reaction was priceless. I simply said "Sure, I have no idea what I want... I have never been this far before... aren't YOU the one in charge?"

She laughed (I think she wanted to punch me) and I watched her proceed into an exam room. I went to the bathroom to leave a little urine in the cup (TOTALLY DIFFERENT POST TO COME) and moseyed my way to the room.

When I arrived, I didn't notice an ultrasound machine. Nurse walked in and I asked, "am I not getting an ultrasound?" She replied "ugh, no" to which I came this close again to a meltdown. I explained that is the only reason I was there and something about too much fluid and well...she quickly left the room to chat with the doctor.

3 seconds later she returned and took me to Dr. Razdon's ultrasound room. Whew.

During the ultrasound, I was lost. I am used to Dr. Parks' machine and can usually read the estimates. This machine was ancient and didn't give them. I asked if she could tell me how much she weighed and was told NO. "Dr parks didn't ask me to do that" WHAT??? Are you effing kidding me? I started to melt again, on the inside... but got over it pretty quickly. I decided Dr. Razdon was pretty cool. I explained my fear of a C-section and she put my mind at semi-ease.

I did get an induction date of September 15th and asked to arrive at 05:00! Due to the whole earlier episode with the inn keeper at St. Francis, Dr. Razdon advised not to call ahead, just show up. I laughed. She did a bio-physical profile of the baby and decided we looked pretty darn good.

I came home, and got ready for Blayne to go stay with my Dad and Rita (papa and doodah) and get ready for a long awaited dinner out. It was my birthday after all :)

Blayne stayed in Muskogee until Saturday. Yesterday was a typical Sunday with Gram, and today has been spent doing any last minute things. Like Blogging. HA.

Blayne went to Slick with Meemaw and will stay there until we come home... I am FREAKING OUT.

I think that waiting 6 weeks then getting an induction is way worse than having your water spontaneously bust...

I'll update more later!

Polyhydramnios: Too Much Amniotic Fluid

Okay- so we made it to 37 weeks 1 day. We are full term and can deliver at anytime. I can breathe a little easier at that statement, however after today's doctor appointment, I have some new worries.

Here is the scoop:

Everyone knows that I have been on lock down for the last 5 weeks. I have literally moved from my bed, to my recliner, to my couch. The times I have tried to escape and take a journey, I have either landed in the hospital or on my bed with riveting contractions, both suck.

Today Kevin and I went to the doctor at 11:30. We are on weekly visits now, and I was really looking forward to seeing the doc. Last week, week 36, I had the Strep B test so I was not able to have my normal ultrasound. I was having some "ahem" complications in the bathroom department (sorry, but I have to explain) and melted down in Dr. Park's office. She suggested a couple of OTC medications and asked if I needed a small dose of anti-depressant. Kevin assured her that I was just really tired from not getting any sleep, so I left with a prescription of Ambien.

Although we got to hear the heartbeat, the visit was less than incredible. I did not get the chance to talk about my fear of having a C-section due to this baby being so much bigger than Blayne. (Blayne had to be suctioned out) Oh- forgot to add, last week I gained 8 pounds. I chalked it up to being in my "condition" and didn't think anything else about it. I knew it wasn't from eating, because.. I just can't eat.

This week, I felt much better and was really looking forward to the visit. I knew that we would be having our ultrasound, and I would be able to bring up the baby's weight then. I got to the doctor, and went right in. My blood pressure rocks and proceeded to the scale. I gasped when I gained another 8 pounds!! Guys, I have lost weight every appointment.... gaining 16 pounds in 3 weeks, 8 pounds in one week... a little weird. I got off the scale, prepared for a lecture, trying to figure out where the weight was coming from and sat for my turn in the ultrasound room.

Once inside, Dr. Parks came in smiling and greeting us. She asked me to lay back and measured my tummy. This is where the visit went down hill. She immediately lost her smile and mentioned to me that I was huge. "Really?? Because I thought I was looking good doc!" She started pushing around and asked if I could breathe okay and if I was in much pain. Ugh, yes... more pain than I can describe at times. It feels like my insides are going to fall out!

She began the ultrasound and immediately became concerned. "you have too much water!" As in there is way too much water around the baby.

Apparently the 15 pounds I am gaining... all going to the uterus and surrounding the baby. She measured the baby's belly, then took a different angle she preferred. She mentioned that Emileigh is stretched head to toe, (no kidding!) and began looking for her kidney's. She did state that her kidneys looked okay.

I asked if we could induce Friday, she said they (i am assuming insurance) won't let her. She did state that I really needed to go into labor this weekend though, and began giving me pointers in how to start the process.

Dr. Parks is going to be on Vacation next Tuesday through Friday, so if anything happens then, I will see one of her associates. I'm okay with that, but a little nervous. She did state that she was going to do some research and we might induce this Sunday- I am way for that. Please say a little prayer....

Last bit of advice she gave me, when my water breaks- it's going to gush. That made me chuckle a little. I guess public outings are off limits right now!

Anyway... I still had some questions, so Kevin and I googled when I got home. BIG MISTAKE!

Polyhydramnios- Here is the link.... Say a little prayer this is just a freak thing, that my water will break this weekend, and baby Em will have absolutely no heart or swallowing issues.

Thanks for taking the time to read this- it really means a lot to me.

P.S.
Blayne got kicked out of daycare today for having pink eye- that is an entirely different post! ahhhh kids!