Walking away.

worst blogger ever- checking in  :)


Last week, I received a message that one of my previous drivers was in an accident and died.  He was young, crazy, loud, full of life, and I immediately missed him.  He and his wife both had their CDL and drove as a team. Whenever we needed anything to be delivered the next day, we would call the Cross'.   It was such a sad day to hear of this tragedy.

I am the person who wears my emotions on my sleeve.  What you see, is what you get.  I fight hard when I need to fight.  I play hard when I need to play.  Unfortunately, when I am tired, or confused, or sad, or scared, or embarrassed -  I walk away.

I walked away after high school.  I knew I wouldn't be attending college like all of my friends would be, so I just cut off communication.  I would stay in Slick and not call anyone.  I found someone who I thought made me happy, and spent 100% of my time with him.  We were so young, and both looking for something the other would never be able to provide.  So... we got married.

My two closest childhood friends were in my wedding.  I went almost 10 years from that day without talking to her.  I just walked away.

I knew I didn't want to get married, but I didn't know how to say so.

When we ended our relationship- I moved to Tahlequah.  I moved to my parents house, looking for something they should have given me from day one, but never would.  Unconditional love. My mother convinced me to take out student loans, apply to NSU, and live in the dorms.  Sounded great to me :)  A fresh new start, right?

I started college as a 20 year old freshman who had been married, divorced, worked, and experienced bills.  I could not connect with the other students I was grouped with.  My parents were friends with the housing coordinator, and thought they were doing me a favor by giving me a single room with no roommate.  Looking back- that only added to the feelings of solitude.
I fought- but in the end... I quit.  I left.  I ran away.  I didn't even take the time to withdraw from my classes.
I walked away.

Fast forward to my life now.  I haven't walked from some tough things.  There are times I should have walked, but didn't :)

That was, until October 2010.  I walked away from LinkAmerica.

I had worked at Link for 7 years.  I loved my job, I loved the people with whom I worked for, both drivers and management.  I loved my customers, both drivers and companies.  I worked very hard and worked my way up to a management position, which was very difficult without a bachelors degree and being a woman.  LinkAmerica was my family.
One day, I was asked to complete an assignment.  I was asked to compile the financials for the previous day. A 24 hour P&L snapshot so to speak.  I felt I could do it, I attempted it.  It was wrong.  I emailed the wrong statement to the entire management and looked like a fool.   I received an email from the VP, at the time feeling like a virtual slap.  I hit my wall.   I walked.

I haven't been back to LinkAmerica since the day I walked out of the doors.
I miss my family.
I miss my job.
I miss my best friend who I haven't even texted back.

I went 14 months before even adding anyone from there to my Facebook account.  I just walked away, buried it in my mind and went on with life.

Then Randy died.

I saw some of the people who I walked away from, they smiled.  When the service was over, they came up to me and asked how I was doing.  They asked questions and were interested in the answers.


I am struggling today. I am struggling with the fact that I walked away.  That I seem to walk.
I like to believe that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, that I am an open book.  I am not.  There is a lot inside that needs to come out.

What a heavy post to start back with.... maybe it's what needs to happen?

life

if you know me, you know that i am the worst decision maker alive. i change my mind at least 10 times before i settle on any decision, no matter how big or small.

i have this fear of making the wrong decision. its a little weird though, this only applies to my personal life decisions. i can be at work throwing decisions down on a dime... sigh.

the biggest decision of my life just happened:

stay at home with my beautiful babies or go back to work?

i have flip-flopped a million times. there are some situations at work that made the decision very easy two weeks ago. so easy, i convinced my sweet husband to move back to muskogee immediately and pick up 100 hours of overtime to compensate for my lack of salary. talk about a monkey wrench when i went to talk to the EVP on thursday and i came home with wanting to go back to work.

i work for a transportation company, you know, the big trucks that either you hate because they run you of the road or you love because you get behind them on the interstate and can afford to drive a little faster?

i work with those men and women who are behind the wheel. delivering the freight to our customers who expect it on time no exceptions. hurricane katrina? that was just a rainstorm... talk about a headache.

anyway- i digress.

those people behind the wheel. they have families at home. those people behind the wheel have children at home. children whom they sometimes do not see for weeks at a time, and when they do get home.. it could be for hours. hours that is spent buying food to replenish their pantry and doing 2 weeks worth of laundry. they should be out side playing catch with their children, watching barney... anything. instead, they are getting ready for the next run. because our customers expect that of us.

my customers expect that of me. you see, i have two sets of customers. those that pay me to pick up and deliver their freight to their customers, and those who actually do the work (drivers). my job directly affects so many people... i rock at it, and i don't want to leave!

then i have the two most beautiful babies in the WORLD. babies, i never thought i would have. doctors told me multiple times that i would never carry a baby. adoption was my only answer. those doctors suck. thank goodness.

so i had a decision. back to work, my career that i have worked my heiney off for, or stay at home with my precious babies.

for the last three days i have changed my mind so many times. written lists of pros and cons... cried in restaurants, cried while driving, cried when i held them.... dreamed about the decision i was about to make.

yesterday, i was made an offer. a really good offer. one that is going to make bigger changes to our lives...

it came down to one thing:

my babies are not going to daycare...no chance.

i cried some more, re-introduced myself to God, asked everyone i talked to what the answer was, changed my mind 5 more times... and finally it all fell into place.

we will be living in muskogee. the reason, family. to keep my kiddos out of daycare, i needed someone on the following schedule:

Monday- 5:30 Am to Noonish
Wednesday- 5:30 am to 6:pm ish
Thursday- 5:30 Am to Noonish

because i have the best family and the best friend in the entire world, i have all three covered. and the best part, no daycare. no worrying about pink eye, or stitches, or some idiot feeding my child cheese.

thank you.

thank you Rita, Amanda, Butch, and Leigh. you have allowed me to continue working, for now, and will give my sweet babies what they need. i love each of you, more today than ever. :)


sooo- that's what i have been doing.

back to the office monday morning. 7am. i can't wait.

Okie from Muskoge

So... Today is Monday... I thought that I would be going back to work today. Last week, my mind was changed for me. There are things I can't reveil yet, but dont worry... Things are good, better than good.

Last Friday, Kevin and I spent the day combing the streets of Muskogee for a house. We will be leasing in order to get our feet under us with one income (Guess that is one secret out of the bag hua?). We started with the Muskogee paper and got absolutely nowhere fast. Second, we used word of mouth. There are some great townhouses available.. if you want to spend a lot of cash on about 600 square feet... sheesh.

I was getting very disappointed after the 6th house we looked at. Then I had the brilliant idea of calling a couple of realators. CHA-Ching.

We found a BEAUTIFUL house on six acres in the COUNTRY south of Muskogee. Beautiful I am so excited. I'll post pictures as soon as we take posession around the 22nd. It feels so good, like a dream. This move will allow me to stay at home with my wonderful children, spend a TON of time with my family, and give the opportunity to have my sisters and brother drop by at a moment's notice.

I am STOKED!

The downside: My husband is trying to kill himself right now working overtime to fund this move. In the next two weeks, Kevin will be putting in around 100 hours of OVERTIME. Yes, that is 180 hours total. It's a good thing he gets to sleep at work... I love him for taking one for the team.

Council Oaks

I enrolled Blayne in a new daycare yesterday, Council Oaks Learning Campus. From the minute I walked in, I felt a weight lifted off of my shoulders. I can not tell you how impressed I was with this facility. AMAZING. The classrooms are large, clean, organized, and smelled good. Children were orderly yet happy. Faces were clean. Blayne actually smiled a few times...
They have a gym in the building which is better then many I have played in throughout high school. The outside play area is wonderful, Blayne did not want to come back in to finish our tour. They have a swimming pool where they teach the children 3 and up to swim with certified red cross lifeguards on hand. It is a 5 star daycare- for real!

The best thing- Aunt Christi works there and Blayne will always have that person checking in on him. THAT is what I love the most.

Now- off to get a lot of work done. Vacation next week and I am NOT answering my cell phone. Must.get.it.all.done.TODAY.

Shhhhh!!!

I sent my resume to 2 places today.... :) Will mail to a third tomorrow. Cross your fingers, I need all of the good vibes I can get!






PS- Say a little prayer for Lindsay. She had two identical twin girls today... about 5 weeks early. Boston and Teagan.... They need our prayers and good thoughts, the girls are 3.5 and 5 pounds approximately. Little tykes.