Me, Too!

Emileigh will be two in less than two months.  She is such a sweet, sweet, little girl.  She loves her baby doll, she loves to help mom, and she loves to keep her brother in line.  She follows Blayne around everywhere and when he is doing something she thinks she can do better... she usually does.

She is just starting to talk more.  She is much more of a listener, sit back and watch kinda gal.  However, when Blayne answers a question, or tells a story about something he loves (which is most things), there is always a little sweet voice that quickly follows... "me, too!!" 


Such a sweet blessing, she is. 

Edema of the Uvula: Case of the swollen hangy down thingy.

Life can change in the blink of an eye.  Everyone knows that phrase, many have lived that phrase.  Eye blinks can be good, more often, they are spoken of the bad.  This week, we lived it... or almost lived it.

I am back to being a stay at home mom (for another post) so this weekend, I went to my grandparent's to help out (also for another post).  I needed to run to Tulsa for some errands Monday morning, and since Kevin worked Sunday, we thought it would be a good idea for him to stay at home Monday and get some much needed rest.  My full day ended up being shorter than we all expected, so when errands were finished, I grabbed the kids and we came home.

I did my best to keep the TaylorTots awake on the drive, because I had big plans to catch a nap with them once we made it home.  My plan worked beautifully, we sang songs, played "I spy", and even endured the occasional emileigh fit :) 

I pulled in the driveway at 1:45 and gave explicit instructions to, "get your heiney's up those stairs, to your beds, and DO NOT WAKE DADDY!!!"  My spawn perfect angels managed to mind those instructions perfectly, and ten minutes later, I was entering our dark bedroom with my pillow in hand.  I tossed the pillow on the bed, and Kevin roused.  He said, "hey, what time is it?" and cleared his throat.  I mentioned something about the kids going down for a nap, and the house felt wonderfully cool and my head hit the pillow.  Kevin said something about his throat feeling sore, and got up to get a drink.  The next 30 minutes were C.R.A.Z.Y.

Kevin went to the kitchen and said, "it feels like I have something hanging in my throat..."  He went to the bathroom to look at his throat, and immediately came into the bedroom looking for his phone.  He needed a light (I was ticked ...again, another blog) his voice had considerably changed and he sort of said, "Jennifer! My hangy down thing is really swoolen!!" 

**Side note- I love my husband, he knows that that piece of tissue at the back of the throat between the tonsils is called an uvula, but he also knew that I would have looked at him like he had a third head if he used that term.. so in his time of need, he used the more technical term: hangy-down-thingy.**

I jumped out of bed, because, if you know kevin, he doesn't panic about anything, and there was complete panic in his changed voice.  I swear to god, it looked like a thumb was sticking straight out of his mouth from the back of the throat.  His uvula was literally laying on his tongue.  He was gagging and gasping.  I said, "we are going to the hospital, get dressed!!"  He said something about already doing that.  I got on the phone and called my brother who came to watch the kids (who were sleeping soundly) and off to the hospital we went.

Kevin insisted that he didn't have any trouble breathing, but the next day, retracted that statement.  It was so scary.  We got to the ER by 2:20 and he was given benadryl and prednisone to counteract the allergic reaction going on.  Kevin drank a quarter of a bottle (well, maybe not that much but a lot) of children's benadryl before we left, so he was pretty drunk.  His uvula went down, his tongue turned black and blue, and about six hours later, we came home.  Apparently, he is allergic to ACE inhibitors.  Who knew blood pressure medication could KILL YOU!??  Especially, after taking it for 18 months before Monday.

The nurses, doctors, and medics all got their jabs in, once they found out Kev was going to be okay.  However, it was so refreshing, as a wife, to see just how much my husband is loved.  Everyone came by to see how he was, and to volunteer to be the one to do the next embaressing procedure, if needed.

He slept the entire rest of the night and the next day woke up a little groggy.  We talked about how scary that was and then talked about the what if's  You know.. What If I didn't come home?  What if it would have cut off his oxygen.... godforbid anything happen to my family.  I'm so thankful he is okay... What a scary experience for us. 

Thankfully- our blink of an eye story, just ended up being a good blog post.  It served to get my blogging juices running again.  I'm not sure what I would have done if it had worked out differently.
So- to celebrate kevin living another day... we did what any good guy does: We went to McNellies and had a few brews :) 

Dear Blayne

Dear Blayne,

     Today, we made brownies together and took them to Daddy and the guys he works with.  While we were on the way to deliver them, you were talking away about everything you could think about, and about as fast as you could think about it.   You are changing so fast, buddy.  I'm so excited to watch you grow up, but at the same time, it makes me sad that I am not allowed a pause button. 
     You keep Daddy and me cracking up.  I always said you would be as witty as your daddy.  I am pretty sure, you won't make a liar out of me on that.  Depending on your mood, I can be "Ruby-mommy" while you are "Max-Blayne."  You turn me into a dragon when you want me to chase you.... "Oh no!!! Here comes dragon mommy!  Run Emileigh!!!" 
     Your imagination is amazing.  You pretend to be robot Blayne  and everyone else in the house is expected to be robots as well.  You get tired of us, you just come up and pull the lever to shut us down.  If it were only that easy.
     You are adding words to your vocabulary daily, and phrases that use to be difficult, seem to roll off of your tongue.  You are quick to say "No fank you" when you don't want something, and just as quick to say "I'm sorry" when you feel you are just about to get into trouble.  However cute it is, you like to say, "it was just an acks-a-dent, momma" when you know you should be in trouble.  Most of the time, you get out of it though :)
     You love to play with Levi, next door.  In fact, you call him your best friend.  You think that everyone is our best friend, so innocent baby.  I hope you have a lifetime filled with best friends. 
    You sing like an angel when you allow me the opportunity to hear.  You carry the correct tune and it warms my soul to hear it.  You always ask me to sing with you... I am sure that will soon change.  I can't carry a tune in a bucker, buddy.  But until you forbid me from singing, I will join you joyfully. 
     You have such a sweet spirit, love.  If you think I am upset about something, you quickly say, "it's okay momma.  It will be okay."  It breaks my heart that you are so thoughtful.  If something is wrong with sissy, you come find me... "momma, girl is mad- help her." 
    You have a temper.  You love to play outside and the park is your favorite adventure.  You would live at Honor Height's park if we would let you.  Your second favorite thing to do is pick up rocks and sticks and throw them in the water.  You could do this for days.
   Yesterday, we went to Pettit Bay at Lake Tenkiller in Tahlequah.  You were so unhappy when we loaded up to head home.  You cried and cried.  It made me sad.  Daddy and I talked about when we were little and our parent's made us do something we didn't want to do, or understand why we had to do it.  I hate that you felt that yesterday, but you made up for it.  I was trying to console you and you quickly said, "NOT TALK TO ME ANYMORE, MOMMA!"  I am sure when you are 15, my reaction will be much different, however it was super cute.
     I love you, little man.  I love you more than I could ever imagine loving anyone in my entire life.  I hope that you will feel that before you have your own children... My wish is that when you are grown, you will know your parent's loved you with everything we have.  I look forward to more "Blayne-isms" and many, many more laughs. 
                     

                                                                                                                                       love,    Mom :)

Weekend Update:

Today marks two full weeks I have been back to work.  I feel alive again, Saturday's feel like Saturday and I feel like I am contributing to society again.  I haven't had to worry about the TaylorTots, they have been able to spend a lot of extra time with Daddy, and they are in heaven.

I am so thankful for the time I spent at home with them, as babies. 

I started working at LinkAmerica in 2004- I have been through a LOT of changes, yet going back last week was really strange.  There were a lot of old faces, but so many new faces.  Such a shock.  LinkAmerica is known for changing things internally... I'm ready for the ride.  It was a nice two year break.

Kevin and I bought a new car last week.  We ended up with a Chevy Malibu.  After fueling the expedition and shelling out $96.00 for three days worth of commuting, something had to give.  So far, we have had it a week and a couple of days, put almost 900 miles on it, and have only put $80.00 in the fuel tank.  SCORE.

My family is blended meaning when dad got remarried, I gained three sisters.  They are amazing women who I love dearly.  Last week, they lost their cousin in a very, very tragic accident.  She was 19ish.  My heart broke watching various facebook posts.  If you are a spiritual person, please keep the them in your prayers.  Amanda, Megan, and Katie- Love you three.

I stopped playing Farmville this week!  I start summer school on June 6th and decided school, work, family, and summer was more important. 

Im going to sign off for now, I have two perfect little Taylor's who are playing upstairs.  I think I hear cartoons calling my name :)

Hi hoooooo, Hi hoooooooo.... Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

Three weeks after Emileigh was born, I went back to work. Two weeks after that... I quit.



Tomorrow, I return.

I have such mixed feelings.  I am nervous, I am anxious, I am excited... I am scared I will miss my kids.  I will miss living in "comfortable clothing" and sleeping at convenient times. 

I am excited about getting back into the real world.  I am excited about contributing financially to this family once again.  I am excited that Kevin will get to spend more time with the kids.

The good totally outweighs the bad, and I know in a week, I will be over the anxiety. 

I am going back to LinkAmerica.  They called, we met, we stuck a deal.  I will have a ton of flexibility, with is the major point in my going back to work.  

Let's face it.  Link is what I know.    I have no problem working with truckers, or customers, or maintaince, or cranky people. 

it's the damn spreadsheets that kick my ass!

The Squeeze

Growing up, my parents never taught me about money.  They didn't teach me good things, and they didn't teach me bad things.  In fact, we never  talked about money.

My parents argued all of the time.  I really can't remember when they liked each other.  I don't remember ever knowing exactly what they were arguing about, but I suspect now, it had a lot to do with money, or the lack there of.

My grandmother always gave me money when she came over to see us.  I can remember finding money in books that she bought me, money slid in my hand when she would hold it, money slipped in my jacket pockets.  This happened until she realized that I would take that money and put it in my mother's purse.  Mom would always seem so thankful, and for a minute... I felt loved.

My mother would take us to the grocery store on payday and we would peruse the aisles choosing whatever we wished and would throw it in the basket.  every two weeks.  Cookies, chips, snacks, pop, candy, etc.  Never would she have a list, never would she have a menu, never would she have any plan at all.  She would never ever, ever, ever  look at a price.  It was food, we needed it, she would buy it.

My dad would never mention it (in front of me) and as long as he had enough money for gas to get to work and lunches (he always packed) he was happy.  He never gave me money, never bought me things, or rewarded me with money.  It just didn't happen.

Fast forward to today.

I am a financial nightmare.  there, I said it... OUTLOUD!!!

I have no concept of money.  To me, it is just paper that is used to buy things I want and sometimes things I need.  If I run out, we will get more.  I can't take it with me, right?

Yes, I know how stupid that sounds.  I really do.  However, this is all I know and this is all I have ever known.   Remember, I wasn't taught.  That is not to be an excuse, but well... it is what it is.

Kevin and I have really been talking a lot about our finances.  Our feelings about what we each want to be able to do, and how to get there.  For example, Kevin is currently studying for the MCAT, which means medical school is on the horizon.  In order for that to happen, we must get our act together and get something ironed out and in place.  I don't believe that I need to provide each and everything that my kids want or will ask for, but I do believe it is my job to provide most of those things.

All of that to say, I am researching budgeting systems.  How strict, what kind, etc.


To be Continued...

Walking away.

worst blogger ever- checking in  :)


Last week, I received a message that one of my previous drivers was in an accident and died.  He was young, crazy, loud, full of life, and I immediately missed him.  He and his wife both had their CDL and drove as a team. Whenever we needed anything to be delivered the next day, we would call the Cross'.   It was such a sad day to hear of this tragedy.

I am the person who wears my emotions on my sleeve.  What you see, is what you get.  I fight hard when I need to fight.  I play hard when I need to play.  Unfortunately, when I am tired, or confused, or sad, or scared, or embarrassed -  I walk away.

I walked away after high school.  I knew I wouldn't be attending college like all of my friends would be, so I just cut off communication.  I would stay in Slick and not call anyone.  I found someone who I thought made me happy, and spent 100% of my time with him.  We were so young, and both looking for something the other would never be able to provide.  So... we got married.

My two closest childhood friends were in my wedding.  I went almost 10 years from that day without talking to her.  I just walked away.

I knew I didn't want to get married, but I didn't know how to say so.

When we ended our relationship- I moved to Tahlequah.  I moved to my parents house, looking for something they should have given me from day one, but never would.  Unconditional love. My mother convinced me to take out student loans, apply to NSU, and live in the dorms.  Sounded great to me :)  A fresh new start, right?

I started college as a 20 year old freshman who had been married, divorced, worked, and experienced bills.  I could not connect with the other students I was grouped with.  My parents were friends with the housing coordinator, and thought they were doing me a favor by giving me a single room with no roommate.  Looking back- that only added to the feelings of solitude.
I fought- but in the end... I quit.  I left.  I ran away.  I didn't even take the time to withdraw from my classes.
I walked away.

Fast forward to my life now.  I haven't walked from some tough things.  There are times I should have walked, but didn't :)

That was, until October 2010.  I walked away from LinkAmerica.

I had worked at Link for 7 years.  I loved my job, I loved the people with whom I worked for, both drivers and management.  I loved my customers, both drivers and companies.  I worked very hard and worked my way up to a management position, which was very difficult without a bachelors degree and being a woman.  LinkAmerica was my family.
One day, I was asked to complete an assignment.  I was asked to compile the financials for the previous day. A 24 hour P&L snapshot so to speak.  I felt I could do it, I attempted it.  It was wrong.  I emailed the wrong statement to the entire management and looked like a fool.   I received an email from the VP, at the time feeling like a virtual slap.  I hit my wall.   I walked.

I haven't been back to LinkAmerica since the day I walked out of the doors.
I miss my family.
I miss my job.
I miss my best friend who I haven't even texted back.

I went 14 months before even adding anyone from there to my Facebook account.  I just walked away, buried it in my mind and went on with life.

Then Randy died.

I saw some of the people who I walked away from, they smiled.  When the service was over, they came up to me and asked how I was doing.  They asked questions and were interested in the answers.


I am struggling today. I am struggling with the fact that I walked away.  That I seem to walk.
I like to believe that I wear my feelings on my sleeve, that I am an open book.  I am not.  There is a lot inside that needs to come out.

What a heavy post to start back with.... maybe it's what needs to happen?

So, I updated my blog header... and thought I had better update my blog while I was at it.

Blayne turns three in less than two weeks.  I can't even begin to explain how strange that sounds to me.  Blayne was 18 months old when Emileigh was born, in a few days, she will be the same age. She is still my little baby, he is my big boy.  I can't even imagine what my life would be about either of them.  Blayne made me a mother, Emileigh finished the job.

ABC...123...

Growing up, I wanted to be a Mommy.  I wanted to be a wife and mother more than anything in the world.  When I was in Kindergarden, we had a play.  I believe it was about different occupations A-Z.  I was a Librarian, I really wanted to be the Kite Flier.  (That was Tara Smith and she had the biggest, most beautiful balloon that she used.) Librarian?  Okay- I went from Kindergarden to second grade wanting to be a Librarian.  When I was in Middle School, I wanted to be a basketball coach.  Not because I enjoyed the game, but because I despised every middle school coach I ever had and just knew I could be better.

High School came and I decided that I wanted to be a teacher.  Senior Year: I wanted to be Mrs. Alcorn.

I didn't go to college at the same time my graduating class did.  I entered in 2001, a couple of years later.  I felt out of place.  Young enough to fit the sterotype of "typical college student" but older than the rest of the freshmen class.  I bailed shortly after the attack on September 11th.  It is just a coincidence, or I thought it was. 

I attempted NSU again in 2003.  I was not a MARRIED college student. Surely, I would fit in much better now, right?  Umm NO.  

I bailed again and went to work at LinkAmerica. 

The next 7 years were spend with my head deep in the transportation industry.  I was like a sponge, soaking up every term, account, formula, and driver history.  It was my life for a long time, putting in many, many, many weeks of 70+ hours.  I was always accessable by cell phone during all hours of the day and night, and was issued a laptop to be able to access the system, oh and email.  I literally worked 23 hours a day.  Kevin learned a lot by just listening to me sleep.  I could do my best dispatching while sleeping. :)

Although I moved up the ladder fairly quickly, I would always face the fact that I was a woman in a man's world.  YES that still exists and actually thrives in this industry.

When Emileigh was born, we made the decision that I would stay at home with the kiddos.  I will never, ever, ever regret that decision. 

About six months ago, I got the itch.  I want to jump back into the work force, but I wanted to do something that would stick with me the rest of my working life.  I have thought a million times about going back to transportation, even looking into the program at the University of Arkansas.

I just didn't want to get back into the industry.  That chapter is closed... that Book is closed.

I am opening a new chapter in a new book.  This week I started back to college, to pursue a degree in Nursing.  My hope is to work with either Labor/Delivery, or the NICU.

Yesterday was my first class back.  I am taking a Winter Intersession (minimester) class at Connors.  Psychology. 

I LOVE IT.

Stay tuned.. this could change at any minute.

Accused

I love facebook.

I love it because it allows an avenue to reacquaint myself with people I have known my entire life, but never see anymore.  I love it because it allows me to sit at home in my PJ's with a cup of coffee, no bra, (tmi?)  and socialize. I love it because I can talk to one of my best friends who lives in Utah, like she is next door.  I love it because a conversation can last four days, and everyone is okay with that. I love it because I am ultimately a people watcher, and you can't get any better people watching than facebook.

This weekend, I was accused.  Accused of being on facebook too much.

Last Sunday, I was at grandma's.  She cooked lunch and one uncle and two cousins, Jeff, Josh, and Tyler,  who will go unnamed were there.  The normal riff raff between father and sons continued through lunch when at the end of the meal, Tyler  Thing 1, pulled out his cell phone and discretely checked his text messages.  No harm, right?  WRONG.

Grandma immediately announced that she will be collecting all cell phones in a basket on Christmas day and locking them up, because ...wait for it.... wait for it.... facebook is of the devil.... 

WHAT??? 

I immediately knew this was going downhill and fast.  I quickly reached for the honey so I could have something to occupy my time and silently counted to 193 in my head. 

Before I knew it, I had fingers pointed at me, calling me out.  " AND SHE IS THE WORST! " 

Not cool guys... not cool at all.

Thing 2, Josh, tried to stick up for me, but he knew he was outnumbered so he backed off pretty quickly, chicken.   Jeff Uncle Sell Out's favorite word was "yeah" agreeing with everything grandma was saying.  I tried to remind him that he is on it more than anyone... but that point was mute.

I finally ended the conversation by saying... I am 31 (gasp) years old.  I believe I can post whatever I wish on facebook.  Besides, how do you KNOW what I do on the Internet... You don't even touch a computer or smart phone.

Needless to say, we cleaned the kitchen in very awkward silence.



After   MUCH thought about this whole debacle I have decided that maybe I do post too much random nothing-ness on facebook.  Maybe I do spend too much time reading about other people and their cool lives.  I decided that, although I will still participate daily in the facebook era, I will try to post more to this blog... I mean, it is intended for my kids. 

I would die if they read some of my status updates.... lol  
Maybe they will think I was cool???   nah